A Child Lost Forever
by Neptune
Summary: The year is After Colony 189. Heero Yuy And Duo Matthews are residents of Colony X19-L1-2032... Obviously an alternate universe. Sort of long, but my favorite out of everything I've written. Chapter nine forthcoming.
1. Demons

A Child Lost Forever -- Chapter One: Demons Disclaimer: The obligatory disclaimer is quite long so if you'd like to see   
it, email me at eptenun@hotmail.com and I'll send you a copy. 

Pairing(s): 2+1 

Rating: R 

Written: March 4, 2001 - April 9, 2001 by Neptune

Revised June 13, 2001 - 

Title: A Child Lost Forever 

Background: The year is After Colony 189. Heero Yuy and Duo Matthews are residents of Colony X19-L1-2032. 

Heero is the unplanned, unwanted, and unloved son of a very prominent couple in the society of the upper wheel of X19-L1-2032, more informally known as X19(1). Since his parents try to keep the fact that he exists a secret, most of the people in X19-L1 aren't aware of any child named Heero Yuy. 

Duo is an orphan, surviving on the streets with his older sister, Nancy. He was formerly a resident of the lower wheel of X19-L1-2032, also known as X19(2), but escaped with Nancy to X19(1) in A.C. 186. 

The boys met at a park one year prior and have become friends in the time since. 

Note: I know that Duo's last name is not Matthews. I changed for a reason. Please do not email me and tell me that I made a mistake. 

_~Chapter One: Demons~_

Duo stood just outside the chainlink fence that surrounded the playground, his small hands gripping the cold metal loosely. His eyes moved over a child -- a little girl; no, more like a vision; long blonde hair, dark green eyes, flawless porcelain skin -- she met his gaze for the barest second then scampered across the playground, calling a greeting to a friend before dissolving in giggles. She had never known hunger or hardship -- never known how the pain from hunger went away after a couple of days, leaving just that dull ache; never known how it felt to fight with other children over something as petty as a scrap of orange peel; never known how it felt to be as good as dead, but alive anyway -- but still, how could anyone be so carefree while the colony was going through a food shortage and a plague at once? 

Is that how Nancy would have been had it not been for the plague and their parent's dying just after he was born, leaving her to survive, and not just herself to care for, but a longed-for baby brother who she would have never thought to set on top of a heap of garbage or leave crying at the steps of an orphanage? Happy and free of the wretch of living on the streets? Or should it be careless and ignorant of the world around? Duo couldn't decide; he went back to watching the children in the playground. 

Several times, other children stopped to observe him. He could feel their eyes on him -- some burned to his very core, others just carelessly pushed him out of their minds. 

He knew their thoughts as they took in his tattered clothing that was five sizes too big -- 

"Orphan," 

-- knew their thoughts as his gaze met theirs' with unabashed ferocity -- 

"Reject," 

-- hell, he even knew what they thought about his small stature and deep set eyes, what ran through their minds when they saw his long, tangled hair -- 

"What a freak," 

He could care less though. He had Nancy, he had Heero, and whatever paradise he might be missing out on by being an urchin, well, then he was missing out. His own world was much brighter since leaving X19(2). 

How Nancy had managed to get them clearance to go through the gate that separated the top and bottom wheels, he wasn't quite sure. Anyone who wanted to could go down to X19(2) but supposedly, only people with a certain passport could get back up. 

A sudden fit of coughing drew him out of his reverie. He gasped for a breath and gagged slightly from the sudden pressure on the back of his throat. The bitter taste of bile came rushing into his throat and a bitter memory of what happened the last time Nancy heard him cough came rushing into his head. 

_"Duo, are you okay?" _

"Y-yeah, I'm fine," 

"You sound sick; here, you eat this." 

"But Nancy, that's your food! I already ate; I'm not gonna make you starve!" 

"It's all right, Duo," 

"Nancy!" 

"No, really, I- I'm not that hungry anyway. Here, eat." 

Duo tightened his grip on the fence, squeezing until his knuckles were glaring white. He couldn't stand when she tried to be both a mother and a sister to him. Sure, his parents had died from the plague; that didn't mean she had to kill herself for him, too. 

A boy, scarcely older than Duo, paused in the middle of a game of football to stare at him. Duo gazed back, a cold fury forming in his eyes. A part of it was anger at himself, for pushing Nancy closer and closer to death; another, smaller part was anger at the boy -- he would never know how it felt to live on the streets, who was he to judge? -- he even felt anger at life or fate or whatever god there was, for sending the plague to his colony and killing his parents and making him an orphan. 

A hand gently brushed his shoulder and Duo jumped. 

"Somebody's a bit nervous today," a soft voice said. 

Duo turned to see his older sister standing behind him, a playful grin tugging at the corners of her mouth. 

"Hey, Nance! Any luck?" Duo asked, returning her grin. 

"Mm-hmm, went to Celestial today. Not a lot of choice, but I did manage bread and apples." Nancy paused a moment, putting a hand to her mouth and looking up. "Oh, but I ate it all already. Hope ya don' mind," 

Duo smirked; this was an old joke between them, from back when they had first been orphaned, about five or six years ago. It had been Nancy's way of stopping his crying when he was cold or hungry -- back then, all the homeless in X19(1) were rounded up by the police and forced down to X19(2), to help keep the levels of disease and squalor down to a very bare minimum. Nancy had to find ways to keep him quiet or else they would probably have never seen X19(1) again. 

Duo pretended to think for a moment, then answered his sister with the usual response, "Does that mean I get your food tomorrow?" 

"Hmm... that depends on what it is. If it was, like, this, maybe --" she pulled a small loaf of bread and two apples from her sleeves with a little flourish. "-- then I would say 'no'." 

Duo seized the food and quickly set to gulping it down. 

"S'good, sis," he said, looking up. 

"What have I told you about talking with your mouth full?" Nancy chided. 

"Nuffin'." Duo answered, his mouth still full. 

"Okay then." Nancy kissed him on the forehead and walked a few steps away. "You coming? It's five o'clock already. We'd better get to the shelter pretty soon, else they won't have any room left and it'll be another night in the alley. I heard that they're gonna have inoculations tonight, too, and I want you to get one." 

"Uh-huh, I'll be there in a sec. Just wanna finish this," Duo replied, holding up the remainder of his last apple. 

"Okay. Hurry up, though." Nancy called. Duo watched her until she disappeared around the corner, then let out the breath he had unconsciously been holding. 

The apple fell from his grasp and rolled a few feet away. 

Duo winced as another sharp pain stabbed at his stomach. It almost felt like there was an animal inside of him, eating its way out, bite by bite. 

The plague. 

_Bene Talia_ was the name it had been given, but most people just called it _be'lia_. Nancy had told him exactly what it meant and what language it was in, but Duo only vaguely remembered it being something like "demon". 

He had seen the evidence of _be'lia_ everywhere: the bodies of the dead stacked like the rugs sold at the daily market, staring eyes wide open, seeming to follow his every move; thin, sun-blackened skin, stretched tight over the bones that were cracking and breaking from even that slight pressure. But the grins were by far the worst, the dead mouths stretched into hideous mockeries of smiles by the final effects of _be'lia_. 

But that had been in X19(2); here in X19(1), it was clean and neat, for the most part -- he only saw a body every month or so, instead of every few minutes. 

People still got _be'lia_ in X19(1), but not as much, since most of the residents could afford the costly inoculation to avoid the disease, or the even more expensive counter-virus. The counter-virus was only so useful though, and really only for children; adult's immune systems had formed too completely for the counter-virus to take over. 

Nancy had been trying to find a shelter that dispensed the inoculation for children under twelve, but tonight was the first time she had found anything in the nine months she had been searching. 

Duo wished there was somewhere that gave out the version of the inoculation that had been developed for teenager's immune systems. He couldn't stand the thought that he might get protection against _be'lia_ and Nancy wouldn't. 

He hated to think of what would happen if his older sister got _be'lia_. Her beautiful hair would all fall out, her skin would thin and thin until the slightest touch would make her bleed, and her whole body would slowly disintegrate until- until- until she- he shook his head. Such lines of thought were not productive. 

"Until she what, Duo dear? Until she dies? Until she looks like this?" Aiden, the leader of the demons, flashed a picture in his mind. Nancy, but dead from _be'lia_, exactly as he had imagined her, long hair gone, skin thin, already turning black, eyes vacant, staring, piercing his soul... but her mouth, that was the most terrible, pulled and contorted into a horrible smile by the _be'lia_. 

Duo shuddered, retching, barely holding back the food he had just eaten. "S-s-stop it, A-Aiden... p-please, s-stop," he managed to choke out, hating the day the five demons had found him. 

It had been right around the time he and Nancy had managed to get up to X19(1). Duo had found some leftover food thrown behind a restaurant and was taking it back to Nancy when a group of older orphans had seen him and tried to get the food from him. He ran, so obviously, they chased him. 

Just as he was getting ready to give up and surrender the food to them, he heard a voice, feminine and softly coaxing, "That's your food, isn't it? You found it. Why should you have to give it up to them?" He looked around, expecting a grownup to be standing in one of the doorways surrounding the alley, but there was no one in sight. 

"We're right here with you, Duo. Would you like us to help?" the voice came again and Duo jumped. 

"Who- who are you? Where are you?" Duo asked, looking to either side of him, then up, and back down to the street again. 

"My name is Aiden and we're inside your head right now, dear." Duo shivered once, violently. 

"We? There's lots of you?" 

"Just five, dear. Donovan, Brennan, Kali, Cassias, and myself. Would you like us to get rid of those bullies for you?" 

"Could you?" 

"Of course, dear! And all we ask in return is a place to stay for a while." 

"What?" 

"We'd like to live inside of you, but we can only stay if you want us to." 

"Oh..." 

"Do you agree? You better decide quickly, dear, here they come," 

"Yes!" 

They had upheld their part of the deal, transforming themselves into five huge lions and chasing the older children away, so now he carried them wherever he went. They stayed in his head, dancing in and out of his dreams, his thoughts, his life, like performers in some diabolical ballet. 

"Aw, poor baby. You gonna kill Nancy, you know that?" Kali interrupted his thoughts. 

"I won't." Duo murmured. 

"You will, just watch and see." she replied coldly, showing him a picture in his mind. The form Kali usually took, a tall woman with long, flowing black hair and milky white skin. She sneered, then laughed and turned, walking away into the darkness. 

"I won't let Nancy catch it from me." Duo said loudly, as if clearly voicing his thoughts meant that they would somehow come true. He drew in a shuddering breath, then straightened and ran to catch up to his sister. 

Just as Nancy had said, an elderly lady was at the shelter giving inoculations to the children. Nancy dragged Duo over to the line and stood with him until they reached the front of the line. 

The lady smiled at Duo and Nancy as she pulled fresh needle out of her bag. 

"How old are you, honey?" she inquired of Duo with a slight accent. 

"Nine and a half." Duo replied, watching the needle with apprehension. 

"Poor baby, you scared?" Brennan laughed in his thoughts. 

_Shut up!_ Duo thought, unconsciously narrowing his eyes. 

"Is something the matter, honey?" the lady asked, concern spreading over her lined face. 

Duo looked up. "Huh? Oh, no, I'm sorry, just thinking." 

"Alright, honey. Would you please hold out your arm?" 

"I- uh- I-" 

"Duo, this'll keep ya safe. Put out your arm." Nancy directed, giving him a tiny push. 

Duo complied, still eyeing the glistening needle, and watched as it was inserted into his skin and the clear-yellowish liquid was injected. He still watched as the needle was pulled from his arm and the lady tied a brightly coloured bandage right above where the needle had gone in. 

"My, aren't you a brave lad, watching all that and not even flinching?" 

"Mm..." Duo murmured, distracted by two of the demons, Cassias and Donovan arguing in his head. 

"Duo? Let's go," Nancy said. "Duo? Are you listening?" She asked after a small pause. "Duo!" Nancy waved her hand in front of his face. "C'mon, Duo, move! They've got other people waiting!" Nancy pulled Duo to his feet, giving him a little shake. 

"Wait a moment, honey, what about you? Aren't you going to get a vaccination?" the lady asked, placing a hand on Nancy's arm. 

"Me? Well, I- um- I think I'm too old," Nancy said, turning around. 

"You might not be. How old are you, honey?" 

"Fifteen." 

The lady frowned slightly. "Yes, honey, I guess you are too old. We can only give the shots to children under twelve." 

Nancy smiled. "I trust my Lord Jesus to keep me safe." 

The lady smiled back, a pitying look in her eyes. "You be careful anyways, honey." 

"I will, don't worry, ma'am." Nancy said, taking Duo's wrist once more and gently pulling him away. Once they were several yards away, Nancy looked over her shoulder at Duo. "It's almost your bedtime, Duo. Help me find a bed." 

"Aw, sis! Do I gotta go to bed?" 

"Yes." 

"All right... I wish you wouldn't pull that church stuff on everyone, though," 

"It's all crap anyway, right guys?" Cassias said to the other demons. They quickly voiced their agreement. 

_Don't you ever shut up?_ Duo thought. _If Nancy believes it, there has to be something to it, I just don't like her springing it on everyone all the time._

"Whatever!" Brennan called out. 

Nancy turned and looked at Duo fiercely. "Duo, how many times do I have to tell you? It's not 'church stuff'! It is the word of God, salvation, and eternal life! We are talking about people's souls here, not just 'church stuff'!" 

"O-kay." Duo muttered, rolling his eyes. "Hey, there's a bed there. C'mon, Nance," he half-walked, half-jogged to the bed and tossed his backpack at the foot of it. "Hey, Nance?" 

"Mm?" Nancy murmured, setting her backpack next to his and sitting on the edge of the bed. 

"Would you- would you tell me a story?" Duo asked, pulling at his shoestrings. 

"Aw, ain't that sweet? The baby wants a story!" Donovan laughed. 

Nancy looked up, surprised. "Sure, bro, if you want. What story do you want to hear?" 

Duo pulled off his shoes and slid under the worn blankets. "Um... well... I dunno," 

"How about _The Prince and the Pauper_?" Nancy suggested. 

"What's that?" 

"You don't remember? I guess it's been awhile since I told you a story but you used to love that story! It's about a prince and an orphan who... well, I don't want to give it all away. How about I just tell you the story?" 

"Okay, as long as it's a good story," Duo agreed, turning on his side and propping up his head with one elbow. 

Nancy pulled the blanket over his shoulder, then settled herself more comfortably. "Once upon a time, in a far away land, there was a prince and there was an orphan..." 


	2. Nancy

A Child Lost Forever -- Chapter Two: Nancy _~Chapter Two: Nancy~_

**One year later**

Duo paced back and forth at another shelter, concentrating his thoughts on what was ahead of him. Blue wall, green wall, blue wall, green wall. Window, door, window, door. Concentrating on anything but Nancy. She'd caught _be'lia_ from him. He should have known better, shied away from her touches and kisses, but no, he just let her infect herself completely. All his fault. He stopped his pacing, slumped in a chair, looked at Nancy for the first time in hours. No use -- the time had only served to make her look worse, not better, as he had wished. 

Her frail figure was barely visible among the blankets that covered the bed, her eyes sunken, skin slack, blond hair mostly gone. Her breath rasped, in, out, sighing "you, you". Duo sighed -- it was all too true. That should be him, not Nancy. He deserved it. She'd never done a single thing wrong in her life, always loving and protecting him, believing and hoping when she should have despaired, always there to help him and anyone else in need. Yes, it should have been him dying, not her. 

"What'd I tell ya, guys?" Kali shrieked. "Pay up! C'mon!" 

"Aw, Kal, it was just a joke, we all knew she was gonna die 'cause of Duo!" Cassias protested. 

"Duo's a natural at this, how could he not kill her?" Donovan asked. 

"Duo the killer! Duo the killer!" Brennan taunted. 

"Go to Hell, all of you," Duo muttered, low enough so Nancy wouldn't hear him. 

"Been there, dear, it's really rather nice. Bet you're glad to hear that, hm? Seeing as you'll be joining us one day," Aiden said, showing him a rare glimpse of her form, a beautiful woman with long, raven hair, a black dress, and a smile that would melt Antarctica. 

Duo scowled and resumed his pacing. Nancy spoke up from the bed. "H-hey, D-Duo? W-would ya qu-quit p-pacing? It's m-making m-me ner-nervous," she asked, her voice weak, rasping, stuttering on almost every word. 

Duo stopped abruptly. "Sorry, Nance." 

She smiled at him and the effect was an altogether gruesome one, the smile pulling back her slack skin, leaving wrinkles all over her face. Duo smiled back with difficulty, trying to ignore what he'd done to her. 

"It won't go away if you pretend it's not there," Kali murmured smugly. 

"Screw you." Duo muttered in response. 

"What, Duo? You say something?" Nancy stuttered, trying to lift her head. Duo rushed to her side, putting a gentle hand on her chest to hold her down. 

"Nance, don't try to move, you'll just hurt yourself, remember the doc said?" Duo removed his hand and with dismay, saw a purple-blue bruise blossoming right where his hand had been. 

"Wow!" Brennan said, laughing. 

"I kn-know, I-I know." Nancy said, forcing herself not to stutter on the last word. Duo winced inwardly as several of the demons snickered. 

"A killer, that's all you are. You're gonna kill Heero, too, just wait and see," Cassias said smugly. 

_Go away, Cassie._ Duo thought, smiling in his mind. 

"I'll get you, Duo. One day you'll be sorry." Cassias snarled. 

Duo controlled his instant reaction of fear and laughed in his thoughts instead. After only Aiden, Cassias was the most powerful of the demons; he was also the only one of them capable of causing physical pain. 

"You got good reason to be scared, stupid kid." Cassias growled, furious at being called Cassie. 

Duo pretended nonchalance. _Sure, man, whatever,_ He glanced down at Nancy. She smiled up at him, hiding her pain. 

He was just about to start pacing again when the doctor entered the room. Duo looked at him, searching his eyes for some answer. The doctor only looked past him, to Nancy. 

The doctor walked over to the bed and Duo moved aside. 

"Hullo doc." Duo said, still watching the doctor intently. 

The doctor nodded in Duo's direction. "Son," He leaned down and cupped a hand to Nancy's ear. Duo leaned in closer, but he couldn't hear what the doctor was whispering. All he caught was, "no hope -- several days -- tell him yourself --" Nancy looked stricken, but noticed Duo watching her and hastily covered with a smile and nod. 

"I'll leave you two alone," the doctor said, standing up and turning to the door. Before he went out the door, however, he casually said over his shoulder, "Nancy, we'll discuss your brother in the morning." Then he was gone. 

The words sounded questionable, dangerous, so Duo tried to forget them. 

Nancy murmured, "Mm," although the doctor had left a few moments ago. Duo couldn't help but see the distracted look on her face. She abruptly looked at him and smiled -- what had once been beautiful was now hideous, grotesque -- 

"Your fault!!" Kali shrieked. 

"Hey Duo? Could you come here a sec? I got something to tell you," 

Duo hesitated, then said, "Sure sis," and walked over to stand beside her bed again. She patted an empty spot on the bed. 

"Sit down, Duo." 

Duo sat. 

Nancy took a breath and began to speak, trying hard not to stutter. "Duo, you know I have _Bene Talia_, right?" 

"Yeah..." Duo said. How he could he not know? He only gave it to her! 

"Well, I --" Nancy paused, out of breath. Or was she just trying to break it to him gently? Trying to think of the right words to say? 

"She's gonna kick the bucket!" Brennan laughed in a sing-song voice. 

Nancy continued, drowning out Brennan's taunts, "God has decided to take me home," 

"Home?" Duo asked, knowing the answer already._ No no no no, oh please no, don't let it be true, don't let her say it, don't let her die!_

"Too late!" Kali screamed. 

Nancy took another deep breath. "I'm going to die, Duo." 

Duo gasped, or rather, tried to gasp, for his throat had constricted and he couldn't breathe._ i didn't do this to her, i couldn't have done this to her, she must have got it somewhere else, from someone else, not from me, never from me, she couldn't have!_ the frantic thoughts raced through his head like a renegade breeze. 

Nancy patted his head in a comforting gesture. "They'd like to keep you here after I die, but -- " 

Duo took a deep, gulping breath, forcing himself not to cry. 

"-- but they just don't have enough room for everyone to stay here, so they're going to have to make you leave." 

"But -- but Nancy --" 

"Duo, when the time comes, would you just go, peacefully? For me?" 

Duo swallowed twice, hard, at the huge lump in his throat. 

_'Dang man, what you be?' _

'I think he be a baby; he cry like that all the time.' 

'Maybe he a sissy,' 

'Nah, he be a baby. Go on, baby, cry,' 

The words of Jacob and Michael -- two older orphans from X19(2) -- echoed in his head. He forced down the tears and smiled, for Nancy. "Yeah, Nance, I'll be good," _yeah, Nance, i'll be good, i won't scream_

(**dang man, what you be?**) 

_or cry_

(**i think he be a baby; he cry like that all the time.**) 

_or refuse to leave,_

(**maybe he a sissy,**) 

_but maybe, just maybe, i'll try to kill myself_

(**nah, he be a baby.**) 

_and since no one but you cares about me, i'll actually succeed and go to Hell, where the demons can torment me for the rest of Eternity, but i won't care, i'll be glad, because after what i've done to you, i deserve to die, i deserve to be tormented, and i deserve to rot in Hell a million times over, before i'll even make a dent in the debt i owe you. You save my life a thousand times, take the plague from me, shelter me, care for me, love me, and what do i give you in return?_

Death. 

"I promise." 

(**go on, baby, cry,**) 


	3. Heero

A Child Lost Forever -- Chapter Three: Heero

_~Chapter Three: Heero~_

Heero ran home from school, his backpack thumping on his back, and a piece of paper fluttering in his hand. He burst in the front door of the large house he lived in and looked around for his parents. "Mama? Mama, where are you? Daddy? Are you here?" Paintings by all the latest and most famous artists looked down on him from every wall and strains of old classical music drifted from one of the rooms at the back of the mansion, but no answer came in response to his call. He tried once more, "Mama?" He looked up at the life-size portrait of his parents that hung above the fireplace, willing it to respond to his plea, but they stared coldly out of the frame and paid him no more notice than they ever did. 

Heero sighed, his shoulders slumping, and let the piece of paper fall from his hand to the floor. He glanced down at the picture he had drawn with so much pride that afternoon and snorted in disgust. 

Near the top of the picture, his parents, hand-in-hand, smiled and waved from in front of their house; Duo and himself were in the middle of the picture, swinging and laughing. Duo's sister, Nancy, was off to one side, playing with a puppy and keeping a watchful eye on Heero and Duo. 

"As if _that_ would ever happen." Heero said, low enough so that his words hardly reached his own ears and he was not sure if he had spoken at all. It was enough, though, to shatter the magic of the picture. He kicked the paper and it floated slightly into the air, then settled just a few inches from where it had been. 

"Wish Duo was here," Heero said out loud; back when he had first started to voice his thoughts, he had felt silly, talking when there was no one but himself to talk to, but by now it was a nervous habit, something he did to keep fears and sorrows and most of all, loneliness away. 

He didn't bother to go into the kitchen to look for a note from his parents. He knew better than to hope they would have left one. 

There had never been a note. 

And of course, the servants always ignored him when he went into the kitchen or anywhere else in the house for the matter. Only the brave few would see him, speak to him, spare him the occasional kindness. Only those who weren't afraid of his father. And that was a small number indeed, for his father was a fierce man when he wanted to be. Heero knew that by the guilt he had often felt from just a sideways glance from his father. 

And his father was a man with a temper that burned fiery and deep and hot. Heero knew that by the bruises and scars he had received when his father had punished him in anger, which was almost every time. 

But most of all, Dion Yuy was a man who loved a drink and a good time, but despised his life, his family, and all that he should have held close to his heart. Heero knew this by every waking minute of his life, how the hate of his very existence blazed out of his father every time he was near. 

No matter how much he hated or loved or thought about the fact that his father rejected him, it would never change a single thing, so Heero turned his thoughts from it. He could not help but make one small remark, however, as he turned his back on the richly furnished first floor and walked up the stairs to his bedroom: 

"Maybe Mama and Daddy will be home later," 

Duo slammed the door on the makeshift hospital and gulped back a sob. In his head, the demons were celebrating. 

"Finally, we got rid of the broad!" Donovan crowed. 

"We told you so!" Kali cried gleefully. 

"Now you're all ours, kid," Cassias growled. 

Duo took off at a full out run towards Heero's house, wishing the demons would fall out of his head and be left far, far behind. 

By Duo's best estimation, Heero lived about seven miles from where the little hospital was, so he could plan on getting there in about two hours. Less, if he took all the shortcuts he knew and ran where he could. He stopped to catch his breath. 

"No matter how far or how fast you run, you'll never escape us." Aiden purred. 

Brennan giggled, a high, childish sound. "I can't believe you killed her! She was, like, the only person in the universe who loved you and now she's dead! All your fault and you don't even cry! You're almost as bad as us!" He giggled again and Duo realized that he had never heard himself or any other orphan ever giggle that way. It was a sound born of comfort and pleasure, not from the hunger and pain of the streets. 

Heero had probably never giggled either. 

Duo set off towards Heero's house again, trying to shut out the insults and cheers the demons kept throwing at him. 

Heero lay on his bed staring at the ceiling; there wasn't much else to look at in his room. Unlike the rest of the house, his room was sparsely furnished, with only a few necessities -- a bed, a nightstand, a mirror -- and some little things he had bought with money "borrowed" from his father's wallet -- a lamp, a few posters, and a rug. 

His room was smaller than any other room in the mansion, too. Looking at the way the paint around the window and closet that didn't quite match the rest of the room and the fuse box that sat leering in one wall, he sometimes got the feeling that his room was meant to be a storage closet or something of the kind and had hastily been remodeled when he was born. 

"I'm probably pretty lucky just to have a roof over my head though," he said, thinking of Duo and Nancy. 

Someone stepped on the creaky board in the middle of the stairway. Heero tensed, his whole body instantly ready to move. Now he could hear the soft footfalls on each of the remaining steps and he scorned himself for not hearing them sooner. 

Too gentle to be his father, almost too heavy to be his mother; one of the servants perhaps? Another footstep in the hall. Heero rolled noiselessly off the bed and moved closer to the door. He never knew if it was his father or not, but he usually walked with a heavy, staggering step, not the light, almost hesitant steps that were now paused right outside his door. No matter who they were, Heero Yuy would not meet them defenseless. 

The knob turned slowly, the door eased open, and Heero found himself looking into a familiar pair of violet eyes, inches from his own face. 

"Duo?" 

Duo yelped and jumped back a few feet, bumping into the railing that surrounded the top of the stairway. Heero opened the door wider and walked over to Duo. 

"Hi." he said, feeling one corner of his mouth twist up in a soft smirk. 

Duo sighed, returning the smile half-heartedly. "Hey..." he murmured. 

"I thought you were one of my parents, you could get hurt sneaking up on people like that," Heero said, glancing away from Duo. 

Duo made no reply, but instead walked into Heero's room and sat down on his bed. Heero turned to follow him, but paused in the doorway, watching his friend. Something was wrong with Duo, but Heero couldn't quite figure it out. Duo was just sitting on the bed, no obvious signs of torment there. But Heero knew his friend well enough to recognize the things he did that were different than what he normally did. Kicking his feet back and forth, fidgeting with his hands, his gaze darting everywhere, the short, shallow breaths. Duo had never done anything like this before. But the thing that most disconcerted Heero was Duo's near-silence. He kept muttering to himself, but never loud enough for Heero to hear what he was saying; he sounded more like he was breathing in a weird pattern, even aside from the shallow breaths. 

Heero moved to the bed and sat next to Duo, turned toward him slightly. 

"Wh-where's your parents?" Duo asked. 

"Out." 

"Oh," 

Heero thought a minute before asking a question, watching carefully for Duo's reaction. "Where's Nancy?" 

Duo drew a quick breath, squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, and bit his lip, but made no attempt to answer Heero. 

Heero turned fully to face Duo and studied the other boy's elfin features. Duo had started to mutter to himself again. Heero was close enough that he could catch some of the words now. 

"Shut up, Cassias, what do you know? A-Aiden, st-stop!" Duo shuddered violently. 

"Did something happen?" Heero asked softly. 

"no..." Duo said under his breath, then louder, to Heero, "Y-yes... Something happened..." 

Heero had never seen Duo so uneasy. He had started to hyperventilate and shake. Heero laid his hand on Duo's shoulder and forced Duo to look up at him. "Duo, did something happen to Nancy?" 


	4. Duo

A Child Lost Forever -- Chapter Four: Duo

_~Chapter Four: Duo~_

"Did something happen?" Heero asked, concern and love evident in his tone. 

"He doesn't love you. You just think he does. All he really wants is someone to take his pain." Kali whispered. 

"no..." Duo said to her softly, aloud. 

Aiden, all sweetness and laughter, murmured in his ear, "Would you like to see how Hee-chan would look with _be'lia_, dear?" Duo shivered and found he couldn't stop. The now-familiar tingling that always came when he hyperventilated spread over his whole body. 

"Y-yes... Something happened..." he said, making his voice louder so Heero would know that he was being spoken to. 

Heero did not respond, but Duo felt his hand on his shoulder a moment later. The touch was comforting and Duo relaxed a bit. Then Heero's hand moved under his chin and pushed lightly upward. Duo resisted and the gentle force increased until he could not hold back anymore. 

He looked up. 

Heero was staring at him, his eyes wide, questioning, his mouth set in a hard line that plainly said I care, but I will _not_ let _you_ not tell me. Heero took a deep breath and looked straight into Duo's eyes, a strangely familiar look, until Duo realized that it was the way that people who had died from _be'lia_ looked. He had never seen it on a living person though and it scared him, made him afraid of his own bad luck. Would he kill Heero, too? 

"Duo, did something happen to Nancy?" Heero asked, startling Duo, for he had forgotten that he was here, Heero was here, and that they were both still alive. 

"Yes, yes, yes, it did!" Brennan cried. 

"The little bastard killed her!" Donovan said. 

"He'll kill you, too!" said Kali. 

"If he doesn't die first," Cassias muttered. 

Duo could feel the lump coming back, blocking his throat, forcing tears to his eyes. "Heero, I killed Nancy." 

Heero looked slightly startled. "What?" 

"I killed her. She got _be'lia_ from me and she died from it. I knew I had it, but I still let her get it from me. It's my fault." Duo wanted to scream, to cry, to do something, but it was all he could manage to just sit and tell Heero what he'd done. 

"Duo," Heero paused and sighed. 

"Here it comes! He's going to say he hates you, you're a murderer, he doesn't want to die, and he never wants to see you again!" Kali said, laughing. 

"Duo, it wasn't your fault. She probably had _be'lia_ already. She would have gotten it anyway. It wasn't your fault." said Heero as he wrapped his arms around Duo. 

"_WHAT_?!" Aiden screeched, losing her calm demeanor for the first time since Duo could remember. "He's supposed to hate you! You're a _killer_! He should be afraid of you! This will not do!! Cassias! Do what you can!" 

Duo stiffened in Heero's arms as Cassias growled, "With pleasure, boss." 

A fragment of a second later, Duo felt a tearing pain in his lungs, as if he were underwater and running out of air. Then he was submerged, could feel the water around him, pushing him down, deeper and darker, closing in, cold and dirty, black, just as he was, or was it just as he seemed? He gasped for a breath, felt the water invade his lungs, reached one hand up towards the light, clawing, clawing, trying to grab hold of the air, the surface, the light... 

And abruptly found himself held firmly in Heero's grasp, keeping him from struggling, from screaming, from dying. _But death is what i want,_ Duo thought, but immediately after came, _Isn't it?_ Followed by, _i'm not afraid of death. i am Death. But how could i need myself so badly?_

"Duo! Duo, what happened?" Heero asked, his eyes wide and frightened. 

"Hm?" Duo heard himself say, though surely he didn't command his mind to say it. "C-Cassias. He -- he got his chance." 

"Ah," Heero said, sounding as if he understood, although he still looked scared and now puzzled. 

Duo struggled to regain control of his body as the demons taunted him, but after a few moments, he was able to say, "He- Heero, thanks for -- for understanding." 

Heero merely made a noise of assent as he once again embraced Duo. Duo took a deep breath, then another, softer breath, as the heat from Heero's body dissipated some of the never-ending chill in his own soul. 

**(dang man, what you be?)**

_i be a killer._


	5. Dream

A Child Lost Forever -- Chapter Five: Dream

_~Chapter Five: Dream_

_Duo woke suddenly, cold and shivering._ "Heero, where are you?" _he called, for Heero had indeed disappeared and a void, black and dead, had taken his place._ "Heero?!" _but Heero did not appear, nor did he respond and Duo felt the old fear returning, closing in an icy fist around his heart._

_He left me._

"No, not again. Don't leave me alone... please, no," _Duo whispered,_

**(go on, baby, cry,)**

_and three tears slipped from his eyes and tracked silently down his face._

"Where's your buddy, kid?" 

"Aw, did poor wittle Duo-wuo lose his friend?" 

_The mocking voices arose from the dark, familiar tones, familiar voices, familiar demons, echoing in his head, returning always to torment him._

"Can't you ever leave me alone?!" _Duo cried._

"He's not gone, you know," _Kali said._

"Where is he?" _Duo asked, looking at where he thought the sky should be._

_Kali laughed._ "He's dead!" 

"No!! That's not true!! You're lying!!" _Duo said, knowing even as he said it that it was true, Heero was dead, and it was from the be'lia, from him. He put his hands over his eyes. Maybe i'll wake up and this will all be a dream, a nightmare, i couldn't have killed him, i --_

"Goodbye, Duo... Goodbye, Duo... Goodbye, Duo..." _Heero's voice, at last, rang out, subduing the demons._

_Duo looked up._ "Heero? You're not dead! What do you mean 'goodbye'?" 

_The echo of Heero's words continued, being joined by Nancy's voice,_ "Goodbye, Duo... Goodbye, Duo... Goodbye, Duo..." 

_They are leaving me._ "Please don't! Stay with me! Don't abandon me! Don't go... it's dark... not in the dark... dark is when they come... don't leave me... not until morning... not until light... don't go..." _Duo whimpered, sinking to the floor._

"Goodbye, Duo..." 

"Is he dead?" _Donovan asked._

"I think so," _Brennan replied._

"Finally. I was beginning to get sick of that stupid brat." _said Kali._

_Duo didn't hear them. He was already slipping off into another tormented dream._

**(dang man, what you be?)**

i be Death. 


	6. Dion

A Child Lost Forever -- Chapter Six: Dion

_~Chapter Six: Dion~_

Heero awoke early the next morning, not sure what had alerted him. Duo stirred in his arms and snuggled back against him, and Heero looked down at him, wondering briefly about the faint frown on Duo's cherubic features. _It's probably nothing,_ Heero thought, smiling, as he worked his arm out from under his small friend, and brushed a stray lock of long, chestnut hair out of his face. After glancing at Duo to make sure he had not woken up, Heero slid off the bed and looked out the window. 

His mother unfolded her tall, slender figure out of the car and slammed the door. His father was already walking up the driveway, the long, stumbling steps betraying his condition. 

"_Crap_!" Hero muttered under his breath, reaching over to wake Duo. Before he could touch Duo's shoulder however, Duo awoke, sitting bolt upright, a panicked wildness to his movements. 

"Heero? _Heero_?!" he cried, starting to shiver again. 

Heero leaned over quickly and said, "Duo, shh. I'm right here." 

Duo looked up, startled. "He-Heero! You're not dead! You - you didn't leave me!" 

"Nope. Be quiet now; my parents are here." 

"They are?" 

"Yes! _Shh_!" Heero hissed, hearing the front door close and his father's deep voice muttering something, followed by a high, drunken laugh from his mother. "Duo, quick, hide under the bed!" 

"Huh? Why?" 

"Just _move_!" Heero insisted, pulling Duo off the bed. Duo slid under the bed and Heero fell back on the pillows, feigning sleep. A moment later, he heard his father's heavy step on the stairway and then the door was flung open. 

Dion Yuy stood in the doorway, his tall, stout frame and scowling impression making him an imposing figure. He surveyed the room, then strode over to Heero, stumbling twice. 

"Boy! Wake up!" he slurred, shaking Heero roughly. Heero opened one eye and faked a yawn. 

"Mm, hi Daddy," he said, rubbing his eyes for emphasis. 

"Don't give me none of that 'Daddy' crap, boy! Where was you!" 

_Were was I?_ Heero thought. _What's that supposed to mean?_ "I was right here, Daddy. I've been here since yesterday afternoon. Why?" he said, hoping it was the right answer. 

It wasn't. 

"You was s'posed to meet us! We told you that! Had Staci worried sick, 'Where is he, where is he?'!" Dion's voice slipped up a few notches higher at the end of the sentence, imitating Heero's mother's whiny voice. "Damn kid," 

"You didn't tell me that, Daddy." Heero said without thinking and immediately regretted it. 

"You smartin' off to me, boy?" 

"N-no," said Heero, tensing, ready for the hand that would surely follow. 

Dion's voice got dangerously soft; murderous. "No boy of mine gonna get 'way with that. No boy of mine gonna get a smart mouth," 

Heero was already turning his attentions inward, forgetting his body, forgetting his father, forgetting the pain that would inevitably come. 

So he didn't feel it when his father's hand came down on one side of his face, knocking him to the floor. And he didn't feel it when another blow connected with his neck, leaving a bloody slash from Dion's ring. He did feel it however, when Dion aimed a vicious parting kick at his midsection and he heard something crack. 

Dion left the room, slamming the door behind him and Heero began to come back into himself, finding each new bruise and cut, and then, as he sat up, he felt something give and felt tentatively down to where he had been kicked. Even though he wasn't sure, Heero thought there was now three bruised ribs aching whenever he breathed 

"Duo, you- you can come out now." Heero said, wincing. 

Duo wiggled out from under the bed. He stared for a moment at Heero sprawled on the floor, the livid bruise blossoming on his cheek, and the bloody streak trailing down his neck, before it all sunk in. 

"Oh, Heero, you're bleeding!" Duo cried, rushing to him and helping him stand. 

Heero brushed a hand against his neck, controlling his urge to cringe from the pain, and looked at the long stripe of blood with a sort of detachment that came from him not being completely in himself. Duo looked horrified. 

"It's okay. You'd better leave though. Dad's pretty mean when he's drunk, and he doesn't like you much anyway." Heero said, wishing he didn't have to be so harsh with the smaller boy as he saw Duo shiver slightly. It was the only way though, that he could be sure Duo was safe, at least from _this_ danger. 

"_Heero..._" Duo murmured, touching Heero's cheek softly. "Heero, I --" he paused, let his fingers trail down to rest gently on Heero's neck. "Come with me! It's not so bad -- out there on the streets. I couldn't stand to be there, without you, knowing what you dad does when he's -- when he's -- mean." he finished awkwardly, his hand resting on Heero's shoulder. On impulse, he carefully wrapped his arms around Heero, burying his face in Heero's neck. "I _won't_ lose you, too." he whispered. 

Heero sighed in Duo's arms. "I -- I can't go with you, Duo.. Even when he's drunk, and even when he hits me, I still love my dad. And I love my mom, too, even when she ignores me. I can't leave them. I don't know why. I just can't," He pulled away from Duo and walked to the window. "They'll always be my parents." he murmured, gazing at the ever-lightening sky outside. 


	7. Staci

A Child Lost Forever -- Chapter Seven: Staci

_~Chapter Seven: Staci~_

Duo left the house, dressed in Heero's slightly-too-big clothes, his hair brushed and braided. He looked up once, from the street. Heero held his gaze for a moment before Duo raised one hand in farewell and smiled a crooked half-smile before turning and disappearing down the road. 

Heero stared out the window for some time, almost hoping Duo would come back, although he knew that Duo definitely wouldn't be back today and probably not for another week, at best. He stayed at the window though, hoping. When Duo did not come back and Heero had stood at the window for almost an hour, he gave up and got dressed. 

After making a "raid" in his parent's bedroom for money and packing himself a lunch, he left the house and got to school well before the first bell rang; the model student. 

That afternoon, he again hurried home from school, not eager to seeing his parents but about a plan he had come up with during math class. He had been able to conceal his bruised ribs at school, but because of the bruise on his face and the cut on his neck, he had just barely avoided being sent to the nurse, making the excuse that he had fallen down the stairs. 

A few drops of rain landed on his head and he stopped in the middle of the sidewalk to stare up at the sky. The grey clouds bunched together like sheep and the occasional clap of thunder only heightened his feeling of excitement. The rain could be helpful, after all. 

He burst in the front door at the house as he had the day before. He was about to head up to his room, when he found that he was hungry and changed his course for the kitchen. 

As he neared the kitchen, he heard his mother's voice and smiled, unconsciously. He pushed open the door silently, for he had learned long ago never to interrupt his mother when she was talking to _anyone_. 

Staci was talking on the phone, leaning against the counter, and punctuating her words with vague sweeps of her hand. Heero stood quietly in the doorway, his snack forgotten. Staci's back was to him and she obviously hadn't heard him come in. Heero listened with interest to her one-sided conversation. He wasn't allowed to interrupt, but he'd never been told anything about _listening_. 

"Oh , I don't know what to do with the little brat sometimes. Well, yesterday he was supposed to meet us at a little get-together -- oh you know, that dinner at the Mitchell's -- anyway, we told him to be there, right after school, and he never came! Yes, he was here when we got home. Dion told me he punished him," she tittered. "Yes, right before he passed out. I've got the worst headache from last night. I'm just glad the brat knows enough to get to school by himself. God knows what kind of trouble we would be in if he didn't show. Oh no, private tutors are too expensive. Besides, the school is free and it gets him out of my hair for a few hours. 

"Oh, _Julia_, you _can't_ be serious! You and Charles don't want a baby. You get fat and ugly, you get morning sickness, and labor is really painful; besides that, a few months after they're born, you can start to get _really_ sick of taking care of them. Trust me, honey, I _know_. I wish I'd never had Heero. I should have taken the pill as soon as I found out I was pregnant. God knows it wouldn't have been the first time..." 

Heero closed the door wordlessly. Any doubts he had about leaving, well, so much for them. At least he wouldn't be missed, though it wasn't much of a consolation. 

He stole up to his room, wondering why he was bothering to be quiet and doing it anyway. 

Once in his room, he dumped the contents of his backpack on the bed, and after glancing at them, swept them to the floor. He pulled open the closet doors and the drawer on the nightstand, and began to pile things neatly on his bed, next to the backpack, going over a short mental checklist all the while. _Blanket, clothes, food,_ here he added a bag full of granola bars to the growing stash. _coats, brush, and money._ He carefully took out the thousands of credits that he had been storing away for several years and counted the neat, rubber-banded stacks. Nearly ten thousand dollars in hundred, five hundred, and thousand credit bills. 

He packed everything into his backpack, putting the money at the very bottom. When he finished, he grabbed a pencil and a piece of paper and scribbled one word on it. He set the paper on his nightstand, then took one last look at his room. Picking up his backpack, he turned and left his life forever. 

Bye.  



	8. Runaway

A Child Lost Forever -- Chapter Eight: Runaway

_~Chapter Eight: Runaway~ _

Duo yawned. He'd been with the street choir all day now, and his voice, as well as his patience, was wearing thin. Still, the adults would feed him if he would agree to sing with them for the day and even if he felt like he should die, Nancy wouldn't want him to kill himself, so he would try to eat. 

_Heero wouldn't want me to die either,_ he thought, growling at one of the older children as they jostled for places on the street corner. 

"Yes, he would. I already told you he doesn't love you. I _know_ these things, brat." Kali said and Duo almost smiled. The way she said brat, it sounded more like a pet name than an insult. 

Antonio, the leader of the choir, cleared his throat and Duo looked up at him, waiting for the signal. Antonio's hand dropped and Duo sang, his still soprano voice soaring above the other children's, hitting the highest notes with ease. 

A crowd began to gather around them and Duo could feel all attentions on him; he flashed the people a wink and a smile and burst into a startlingly high solo Antonio had written especially for him. 

At the end of the song, the steady "plink, plink, plink" of coins dropping into the old felt hat on the curb told Duo he had done his "job" right. The other children, especially the older ones, glowered as the adults praised Duo's performance. 

"That was great, Duo!" 

"Sing a few more with us and we're gonna be livin' like kings!" 

"We're gonna be _eatin'_ like kings, thanks to Duo here!" 

And then from Antonio, the word that Duo was sure would mean his death someday, "_Magnifico!_" as the other kids gave Duo murderous looks as soon as an adult wasn't watching. 

So Duo stuck close to the grown-ups and kept away from the other children. He was underfoot and annoying in the adult's eyes, however, and they shooed him back with the children. 

Duo had no plans for being dead though (Nancy wouldn't want him to), and he found a spot near the grown-ups, where he was hidden but within hearing range, should he have the need to yell. 

Antonio was talking to the other adults and Duo caught his name in the bits of speech that drifted over to him, so he moved closer. 

"... there isn't much time; we need to do it soon." Antonio said. 

"Why not tonight, boss? His sister ain't here; we could catch him," said Cynnie, one of the newer grown-ups. 

"True... Evan should be available to do the operation in a few days. We can just keep him with us until then," 

"Why wait for Evan? Sam's ready now; we could get it over with tonight." said Trevor, Antonio's right-hand man. 

"Idiot!" Antonio snapped. "You do _not_ take a child like Duo to Sam! Just look what happened to Matthew!" 

"Oh _shit_! Duo hissed, knowing he had to escape -- fast, if they were planning on capturing him tonight. 

Matthew was a ten year old who had been with Antonio for quite awhile. Or rather, he _had_ been a ten year old. Now he was dead. Nancy's friend Amber said that he had died from massive blood loss... after castration. 

"Shit, shit, shit..." Duo muttered, trying to think of a plan. He decided to try the pitiful-little-kid bit and see if he could get make a few of the adults feel sorry for him. 

He went up to Antonio and tugged on his sleeve. Antonio looked down, the mild annoyance on his features replaced by a broad grin when he saw Duo. 

"Duo! My golden child! How can I help you?" he exclaimed, soliciting smiles from several others in the group. 

"Um... Antonio? Do you think maybe I could sorta get my food and um, leave just a little, tiny bit early today? Please? My sis said to meet her at six," Duo asked, his voice attracting the attention of several other children. They looked at him, all of them surprised and most of them pleased. Nobody ever asked Antonio if they could leave early. Nobody. 

"And may I ask why your sister cannot come here and wait for _you_?" Antonio said, a quiet menace forming in his voice. 

Duo had not been prepared for this. "She's... um, she has to... uh... she's working!" he finally said, hoping he sounded at least halfway convincing. 

Antonio spoke quietly and Duo had to strain to hear him above the cacophony of the streets. "No, child, you may not leave. You agreed to work a full day and you shall not leave until you _have_ worked a full day. Now, be good and go play with the other children." he said, turning with a wave of his hand. 

Duo sighed. Now he would have to figure out another way to escape. For now, he would just see what defiance got him. "No." he said, backing away from Antonio. One step. Two. 

Antonio turned back to look at him. "Excuse me?" he demanded, glaring. The other children stared; now this was a show! 

Duo glanced over his shoulder and saw that no one barred his path. Plans be damned, he was running! 

"Sorry Tony!" he called, turning and dashing away from the group. 

"Duo!" Antonio's angry roar echoed around him as the other grown-ups set out in pursuit of Duo. 

He was ready for them, however, and he knew this part of the colony well. He ducked into a shop, out the other side, through another shop, and behind an apartment complex. For a moment he was stuck, but then remembered a passageway Nancy had shown him just months before: a sewer tunnel opening about a mile from he was now. 

_"_Hey Duo! Come on! This way! I know a secret place to hide!_" her voice had beckoned from the dark recesses of the tunnel. He had hesitated, fearful, then as a yell came from their pursuers, he scrambled into the narrow tunnel and chased after Nancy._

The sting of abandon bit at his soul as memories of her voice, the sound of her bouncing step ringing hollowly on the cracked asphalt, and the glint of the light on her long hair flooded his mind. He stumbled in the darkness and a whispered word slipped past his lips as a tear slid down his cheek. 

_"Nancy,"_


End file.
